My wedding day as I dreamt of it

My wedding day as I dreamt of it

By William Dekker

On that material day I will arrive at the dais forty minutes later than the bride, as an advance payback for the forty million times she is going to delay my life’s progress in the marriage!

The front-left row will be reserved for my 56 ex-girlfriends. As soon as the wedding begins, I will have Mulei and his team kidnap the exs’ parents as collateral. Each of them will receive a live video link of their paternity in torture chambers. And when the priest asks the congregation “…SPEAK NOW OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE” the girls will be silent and loyal – we win! After all, everything is fair in love and war.

The presiding priest will be Fr. Zack – my old-time friend in campus. He knows my sins as much as he knows they are forgiven now and after the vows. In campus we both fell in love with the same lady. I hear the lady nowadays owns a butchery at Kariokor. I would have hunted her down, but I was restrained. Ladies who can ‘put cows to death’ are dangerous! After all, it is rumored that in the fourth year of marriage the man begins to resemble a cow – and when she mistakes me for one, my steak will be sold at Kariobangi at half the usual price of a kilo. Not today Senje!

Crisscrossing the floor in an over-sized suit and a microphone loosely hanging on his left hand will be Brother Francis Omondi – the head of Program and Gastronomical Affairs at the wedding. He will be hovering around in search for Matasyoh Clement. As a member of the wedding committee, Matasyoh had promised two sacks of rice but only delivered a quarter. He substituted the rest with cassava flour.  Old foes know no mercy!

On my wedding day there will be two hundred and fifty-one guests, all of them invited except one – my landlords’ daughter. Tipsy and honest as always, she will be standing at the back, constantly yelling “Not” to every phrase the priest reads from 1 Corinthians 13 (yes, I know you want to google that, please go ahead). Everyone turns around to look at her. When the silence sets in, she begins to shout “this…this guy…yesterday…this guy…” before suddenly falling into a stupor – the day is saved!

Eric Njoroge, the internet security expert, will be in charge of the safety of the wedding rings. In this digital age, we don’t take chances – online attacks are normal, even at marriage liturgies. Standing close to the priest’s microphone, Njoro reaches for his pockets for the thirteenth time to get the rings. Instead, his phone loudly declares “You have reached your destination”. The whole congregation jumps into laughter as Njoro sweats his all. He found the location but cannot find the rings.

I woke up.

William Dekker is a Strategic Communication Expert. Email-convo@williamdekker.com