By Wr. Njeri Macharia.
Today I wanna share my story in a way that I feel will be relatable to all. Last few days I have been kinda numb and my sense of humor a little on the down low. I have a lot on my mind but I know all will be well eventually.
I wanna talk about ACCEPTANCE. It’s the last stage of grief. Takes me back to when I was diagnosed and I was like, “Good, so it has a name? Does that mean it can be cured?” I thought if they could put a name on it, they could cure it. I thought it could be just like when you get a cold and you take your prescription and you are good to go. “No, there is no cure but we can help you manage it.” That’s the best the diagnosis could have done, manage.
I went in crying for help and hoping that by the time am out of psychiatry I will be well. I didn’t like being “crazy”. I didn’t wanna go back home to experience the same fights I had been fighting with myself prior diagnosis and I sure as hell wasn’t accepting “managing”. I wanted to be free, to be over and done with this person I had become.
While at the hospital I planned that when I left I would OD on the prescribed medicine they would give me but it was never to happen. Luckily my mom’s boss advised her that I wasn’t ready to be let out and also hospital wasn’t a good environment for recovery so I was taken to rehab (it was a good facility and they treated addiction and bipolar simultaneously). At least I made friends and felt like, okay yeah I can give this life a chance. Long story short, I went through a period of anger and denial. I turned to drugs (hard drugs). I almost got arrested and none of that bothered me, I chose not to care. But there are times I would feel that is not me. No, it wasn’t me.
It took time to accept myself as I am. That doesn’t mean that I still don’t experience the extreme highs and lows but I take them as they come knowing they will pass (and come again and again and again). After over 10 times failed suicide attempts, I no longer allow my thoughts to go in that direction. I allow myself to feel whatever emotion comes my way and I don’t blame myself for falling ill.
I picked a few habits along the way that am not proud of and working on. When people ask me to promise that I will be okay, I tell them this, ” Can’t promise you that but I PROMISE TO STAY ALIVE.”
I choose to accept myself if no one will. I am ill, am NOT a monster. I have to play the cards that I have dealt with.
#mentalillnessawareness #bipolar #bipolardisorder #acceptance
Talk to Wr. Njeri through:mashanje1@yahoo.com
